last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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