dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
