I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
