call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
