I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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