i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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