I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
