just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
