The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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