the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
