nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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