Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
