hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
