I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
