i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
