Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
