Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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