Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You're breaking my sexual little heart
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
