Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
