He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
