I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
