I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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