3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
