i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My liver is preforming stress tests.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
