is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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