She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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