no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
