i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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