i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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