is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
