you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I wish there were birth control emojis
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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