How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
