My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
