i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
