Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
