I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
