Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
