unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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