"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
