smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
