he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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