So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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