That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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