I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
