Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
