I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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