i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
