Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
