no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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