Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
